typing has officially become my voice.

recently i have been having really weird dreams drafting from realistic ones to unrealistic ones. i think the scarier one are those which are realistic; one of which seemed so real that i thought i actually did it. next morning i get up and got goosebumps except i thought i was already awake.

this week's postsecret is/was rather - disturbing. well, to me, at least. the brilliant man of this idea, frank, said that he had arranged each postcard in a way to tell a story. cel and i agreed that this project ought to change the world (wherever it is at now).

i propose that this week story should have a title called "Truth of Denial."

in a way postsecret helped me too, cause at certain times of life when i thought i'm the only one who thinks that way or have this tiny strange feeling that i question whether i'm even allowed to feel these feelings. however when i read a certain postcard, i realized, hey, i actually feel this way too. sometimes we never realize we feel this way either until we read it and then we understand better.

sometimes we do not wish to be mock, therefore we keep ourselves closeted. i hold back my words occasionally afraid to spill whatever has been build up inside me for so long hugging back each of the words as i'm afraid of being judged, and scarily, even more than judged.
sometimes when we don't and we openly say it, we're either respected or insulted. i guess occasionally i like to take the chance, but more often than not i do not wish so.

i censored my words again.

perhaps in an unusual way i enjoy my private life kept to myself and myself only. yet in certain aspects, i wish to share the difficulties i encoutered (as childish some of them may be) to friends all alike around me.

i have felt so many times of jealousy and fear that people may mock me of. the anger of wrath that i feel towards even to those i should not and even to those i'm amused i feel towards too. inside me, there's this burning candle yearning to be extinguish (somehow i love it when i compare my feelings to fire) with all these mixture of feelings yet to die out. it's so hard, cause i'm face with all these people daily. i'm like a double-face in this method where i keep on exchanging feeling with my inner-heart towards them.

that's the truth. now what am i going to do about it?